My mother Patricia Doyle died in August 2016 at the age of 51
I was 33 years old
My siblings who are twins, a boy and girl, were 28 years old
Firstly, I am more fortunate that she was DIAGNOSED as terminally ill, in May 2016, with a type of cancer, namely adenocarcinoma
How the H am I fortunate?
Well, death is, in MANY cases, very sudden
This was my FIRST realisation in coping, that myself and my two siblings for my mother, were able to be present at her bedside when she passed
I say that because, I may have suffered more had I have got a phone call or delivered the bad news face to face, that my mother had passed
I was FORTUNATE that I got to mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually, prepare, for what was to come
You can NEVER be prepared for such a loss, however, that time in the build up to her passing, was highly valued, allowing myself and my siblings to begin our grieving process as she began to deteriorate
Please DO NOT take this blog post offensive, as EVERYBODIES experiences are different to each individual
I am just sharing my own experience in the hope that it may be of some comfort and compassion to anyone who has gone through, or yet to go through such an experience
My mother was from a small family, namely her mother (our nan) and one sister (our aunt)
Her dad, (our grandfather), who was of Indian decent, she had never met, therefore she was a somewhat lonely soul
I learnt growing up from watching her journey that she (as well as many others) yearned for acceptance, as my Nan was potentially abusive in my mother’s younger years, and she therefore experienced being in foster homes throughout part of her own childhood
As she became an adult herself and had me and my siblings, I believe her and our nan began to build bridges in their relationship, as I was also fortunate to spend good time with my Nan as a youngster
My Nan was of white Irish decent and lived in Birmingham with her husband (both whom passed on probably 10+ years ago now)
They lived in a cottage immediately beside a canal and they built canal narrow boats for a living (there was a tv show called Rosie and Jim about some ragdolls who lived on a canal boat – my Nan and her partners company built this boat)
After our Nan passed, this realistically made our mother into an orphan, as her dad whom she’d never met had also apparently passed on some time ago
She was reasonably close with her one sister who didn’t live local to us but they would always communicate via telephone
Patricia Doyle came to Brixton probably at 16/17 where she encountered my father, a black Rastafarian man of bajan decent
Being of dual heritage white/ Indian, she fast became interested in the Brixton black culture, which was predominantly Jamaican
Which bears reference to my earlier point of yearning for acceptance
This culture, as well as my father, embraced her
My mother and father were more of a fling, as he already had a long term partner as well as a previous child (my elder brother) with that partner (my stepmom)
My mother then would meet my siblings father and they went on to have a long term relationship of around 5/6 years, in which my siblings were born in 1988, myself was 1983
After that relationship with my step-father had failed (I call him a stepfather because he embraced me as his own, as my own father was absent at this time – probably due to he wasn’t actually with my mother in a proper relationship to start with)
My mother would date different men through the years, as being a single parent to three children, with two baby fathers, wouldn’t be too ideal for a new man to commit long term
ALL men she would date would be black men, and a handful would be Rastafarian’s
This background info I have shared is to give you, the reader, an idea of where she had come from and what she had been through
She would tell me her own experience as a young child in schools (which were predominantly white) she would be picked on and called names like ‘packie b***h’
I adored my mother she was a go getter (probably as she had no choice) but regardless she worked her ass off in this world
She was full of love and very helpful to others, which would at times be taken advantage of
Back to my coping mechanisms
I am at peace with her not being here anymore. Some people are actually NOT of this world, she was one of them
She moved home a few times in my teenage to adult years – for me, this was a sign of never being settled
How can you find peace and love, if you weren’t given much as a young person?
People with loving hearts are fast becoming a minority in our fast decaying environment
Luckily she placed all her children in independent positions and mind states prior, although we still needed her
Also fortunately for me, I left home at 18
As years went on, my mum wouldn’t let two weeks pass without calling me or coming to visit me. I know I know, bad on my behalf but she knows I loved her
I personally feel, death is worse when it is someone you see everyday, or depend on often
I was happy when she passed on as we had watched her deteriorate quickly within three months, and knowing she was no longer in pain was of comfort to me
She had been in process of downsizing her property from a two bed flat to a one bed flat
All she would talk about was having her garden with her grandchildren
For me, I was angry at the world that it had taken her, all she now wanted was her little home with her garden and to enjoy spending time with her grandchildren
Was this too much to ask? 51 is very young, especially when someone has done nothing but work
Therefore I have somewhat different views and opinions of this place called earth that we reside in
Life is NOT promised, my mother is hopefully at peace wherever her soul/spirit has travelled to
Being the eldest sibling of three, I would be the one who had my mother’s back the most
Hence I am at peace she is no longer here (one less person I have to worry about in this challenging and decaying place we call earth
Thank you for reading (if you made it to here)
And I hope you too are/were able to find the positivity and strength needed to cope with the loss of a loved one
justjames00 